the lil chapel

This is a little chapel that I see on the top of a hill every morning when I walk to school. It’s all very dramatic, the way this singular little building comes into view. A combination of early morning fog and coal smoke lay lazily amongst the hills around Bobov Dol. As I turn a corner, there it is, a blinding figure reflecting the rising sun. The only white patch in a quilt of grays.
I am thinking of this chapel now because from the first time I saw it, I felt an instant connection to it. In my mind I was that little chapel. My name forgotten, flung out into the wilds, destined to keep a lonely vigil of service to a city that doesn’t even recognize me. During the summer I walked to school nearly everyday and when I made that turn and saw the chapel, my heart would lighten and I’d smile. My partner in loneliness.
Of course, now I am coming up on four months in Bobov Dol and I don’t feel like that anymore. I am not unknown. People I meet on the street always say здрасти! even though it is more often followed by the title господине, than by Andy. And I do have friends; though I don’t always know what they are saying, I have laughed so hard I have hurt, and I have comforted when the laughs turn to tears. I like this town. Despite the coal, and the filth, and the howling street dogs at night, I like Bobov Dol and even refer to it as home.
But still I am lonely. And I have begun to realize that it’s not something that will go away. I am alone because of God. While there are definitely times I am lonely for human smiles, touches, and words, more often I suffer from an inconsolable loneliness of the soul. No matter how many people I see in a day, how many smiles, hugs and coffees I share with others, when I go back to my apartment and have a moment to myself, I am alone.
I am alone because my soul aches to be one with my creator. And yet, because of my weaknesses, I am too afraid to even try. I am afraid of what I will have to forgo and lose. Top on this list is my individualism. I have grown up thinking that I am the most important part of my life and that I am in charge of myself. I have thought that if I work hard enough, am friendly enough, kind enough, strong enough, someday I will find my own happiness and comfort. Yet by finally accepting God I have learned that this is a hollow dream. I can not find peace alone.
So again I find myself like the little chapel. Waiting and keeping vigil alone for God. Unlike the chapel, I am afraid that when He shows me his plan and the path to joy and love, I will not be strong to take the first step. I envy the chapel, as it made of cement and mortar, while I am only flesh and bones.